things that aren't what...

...they seem...

For years, I've been noticing something. 

Some things improve when we apply more force,

Some things get dramatically worse.

Say: sleep. Or trust. Learning. Marriages. Sibling relations.

To quote from a friend of my brother's: If it's jammed, force it; if it breaks, replace it.

It would seem that the cultural default advice is consistent:

"If it's not working, do it harder." 

Told in a lot of different ways:

• Be firmer.
• Be stricter.
• Be more consistent.
• Apply more consequences.
• Push more.
• Insist more.
• Repeat louder.

It's fascinating advice: It assumes the problem is effort.

One of the patterns I've seen time and again—in parenting and elsewhere—is that people often double down on a strategy that's already producing results they don't want.

It isn't because people are foolish or stupid. It's because the strategy feels familiar, safe, and it matches the voices we've been listening to since forever, echoing one another, amplifying, and repeating the same advice.

I sometimes think people who say it the most intensely are the ones who have the most evidence that it just doesn't work, and feel like they're the problem – that they haven't done it consistently enough or firmly enough or strictly enough, and somehow need to push the idea the same way: harder.

What if there was an entirely different direction to go? 

This week, I'm curious:

• Where in your life might you be trying harder when a different map would serve you better?

That's the work that interests me most these days. Not helping people do hard things harder.

Helping them find better maps.

Curious?