The question that changed everything...

What is the problem this behaviour was trying to solve?

Years ago, I noticed something strange:

The parents I babysat for, the business owners in my network, the moms who came to the mom's group I led weren't bad at solving problems.

They were working incredibly hard, to do everything they could.

Dads.

Teachers.

Leaders.

Partners.

They are all good people; thoughtful people; people trying their absolute best. And yet many of them seemed to feel completely trapped. I realized that it was not because they lacked effort.

It was because they were solving the wrong problem.

A parent would ask:

"How do I stop my child from sneaking food while I'm preparing it?"

A teacher would ask:

"How do I get students to stop goofing around and pay attention?"

A manager would ask:

"How do I get people to take more responsibility for their own work?"

Reasonable questions.

I kept finding myself answering their questions with a question, and that turned out to be far more useful.

What problem is this behaviour trying to solve?

A child sneaks food.
What problem is the child trying to solve?

A toddler melts down.
What problem is the toddler trying to solve?

An employee procrastinates.
What problem is procrastination solving?

A parent yells.
What problem is yelling trying to solve?

Because here's what I've discovered:

Human beings are surprisingly logical.

Not very rational. Often ineffective. But surprisingly logical.

Yes, most of people's behaviour really does makes perfect sense once we understand what problem they're actually trying to solve.

That's true for children, for adults, for families, for organizations.

It's true for cultures.

The challenge is often that we're in a hurry, distracted by a zillion other things, immersed in cultural assumptions that feel true, so we usually focus entirely on the behaviour we can see.

Which means we don't think to look for the problem we can't see.

We pull weeds.

We rarely ask why the soil conditions are so good for the weeds, and not for the plants we really want.

The moment we start looking for the problem beneath the behaviour, something remarkable happens.

Curiosity replaces judgment.

Compassion replaces frustration.

Solutions become much easier to see, not because the problem disappeared, but because now we're working on the true problem.

In another article, I'll show you why some of the most common solutions in parenting, education, and leadership accidentally make the original problem worse. And why so many well-intentioned people end up trapped in cycles they never meant to create.

Until then, try this:

The next time someone does something that frustrates you, ask yourself:

"What problem might this person be trying to solve?"

You may be surprised by the answer.