Why Does My Child Lie?

The surprising truth about Honesty Culture

Trite answers fight for top spot in my mind:

• because they need practice to get good enough at it to fit in here
• because everyone around them does
• because they get in trouble (with big helpings of shame) when they don't

We do not live in an honest culture. I can prove it in one question:

Will you tell me to my face that I am obese?

I'm not going to argue about it, and I can prove it in one image:

I have asked audiences this since my first parenting class way back in 2001, and I always get examples of all the ways people have been trained to lie, even after I have made it clear that this question is entirely for proving that our culture requires lying, and the audience has already clearly disagreed with me:

• outright denial of the question (no, no, you look amazing!)
• squirming and changing the subject (well, maybe, but you're very healthy)
• silent paralysis as the brain gears fail to mesh – cognitive dissonance in action
• entirely new subject without responding to my question at all (you're eyes are such a beautiful shade of green)

Obesity is a clearly-defined medical term, inarguably true or not true. It has nothing to do with my eyes, whether or not I'm pretty, or healthy (lots of naturally thin people are not healthy, I am blessed with robust health.) I am carrying more than fifty pounds of extra weight, which I could spend a lot of time explaining away, but it's there no matter what other people say, or my stories about it.

This exercise illustrates just how pervasive lying is. The other rule about lying is: kids are not to question that or comment on it. No one is allowed to talk about Fibbing Club, style of thing...

After all, half the reason four-year-olds get into trouble is because they have no filter and no inner voice: if they're thinking it, they're saying it. The Emperor's New Clothes is a cultural artifact of this truth.

I have noticed, over the years, when I say 'we live in a lying culture,' the entire conversation ends. Oops, gotta go... Or changes subject completely: well, would you look at them Dodgers... isn't that weather we've been having.

Cultural Dissonance

We all grew up in this. We aren't supposed to notice it. We're really not supposed to notice it out loud.

Which I think is grossly unfair to children.

Somewhere along the way, we adopted the deranged idea that kids will miraculously figure out when lying is mandatory and when it's forbidden without making any mistakes. Or, at least the 'good' children will...

A ludicrous proposition. We can't even make a simple computer program that doesn't make mistakes the first time. Expecting children, with less time alive than the age of some of our coffee cups, to figure this complex, unspoken, hidden world of expectations? Unreasonable.

Teach Them

Since they are going to have to figure this out, why not be nice about it and tell them directly? We seem convinced that's how to get them to feel grateful for things, and they don't get half as much shaming over getting that wrong.

When is lying mandatory?

Whenever fragile egos are involved, for sure. 'We don't talk about uncle's hair hat, we all play along that he isn't bald.'

Whenever 'it would be rude' to notice the truth. 'We don't talk about the smell of the neighbour's house [where they can hear us.]'

When a physical attribute is not their choice. 'We don't comment on people's skin colour or their height, there are many ways to look human.'

When someone else's culture is different from what we're used to (the smell of their food, their garments, their accents, how they eat, etc.) 'There are many ways people live around the world, ours is not the right way.'

When we have received a gift we don't like, or are disappointed that it wasn't what we wanted. 'Gifts aren't ordered, they are what they are. You don't have to keep it, and you can just say "thank you for thinking of me" instead of pretending you love it.'

Some people will argue that 'this is just manners,' and that is when I will throw the half-brick back into the bicycle path of this conversation:

Yes. It is rude to be honest when you're expected to lie.