Why Kids See the World as Unfair
Epistemic Hazing: How We "Teach" Children the Hidden Rules
Every culture has unspoken rules. Children are not born knowing these rules. This seems self-evident, yes?
I don't understand why then, culturally, we get mean: Instead of teaching them directly, we wait until a child breaks one, and then punish them for not knowing.
Which is grossly unfair.
It's easy to see why kids often feel they're getting ripped off: they're not so immersed in the world as it is to stop asking questions or noticing contradictions, or saying out loud what they see... but adults think they should already know when they were supposed to lie, change the subject, or keep quiet. More Emperor's Clothes here...
To put it directly, our culture has unwritten rules that seem to be primarily for protecting adults from discomfort.
When kids 'make' adults feel discomfort (by noticing-out-loud things they're supposed to pretend aren't happening) that's a punishable offense.
Then, we call it 'a teachable moment,' using pain, or shame, or both.
- Protect adults from discomfort
- Punish children for not knowing hidden rules
- Call it 'teaching'
A few examples of truths that are not to be spoken in our 'honesty first' culture:
- "Don't ask Aunt Margaret why she has a mustache."
- "Don't mention that Uncle Dave drinks too much."
- "Don't ask how much money people make."
- "Don't point out that teacher made a mistake."
- "Don't tell Grandma you threw away the sweater."
- "Don't say that church is boring."
- "Don't correct adults in public."
From a broader perspective, none of what kids are getting the gears for are really about honesty (or the lies they're required to tell...)
These are all about access to knowledge.
Adults know the rules.
Children don't.
Instead of saying, "Here's one of our culture's conventions and why we follow it," we pretend the rule is self-evident, then treat the child as morally deficient when they miss it.
That's hazing.
Children are novices. Their primary task isn't just learning facts—it's learning how to know what can be known, what can be said, who may say it, and when.
Those are epistemic (that is: how we learn about knowledge itself) questions.
We almost-belligerently refuse to teach them explicitly.
But we're eager to enforce them.
Which is... unnecessarily painful and largely unhelpful.
For me, the point isn't even about getting children to comply with invisible structures in our culture. They will, eventually, in any case.
The point is that it is so much more respectful to overtly reveal the architecture so kids (and other newcomers) can navigate reality (here) intelligently.
Epistemic hazing is what happens when we expect newcomers to learn invisible rules by being punished for getting them wrong the first time they encounter them.